Out Played

As a lifelong anxious worrier that also primarily watches and reads murder mysteries, I have logged many hours thinking about how I would thwart the various murderers that will inevitably try to kill me in my sleep.

“How is this playful?” you may be wondering. Stay tuned.

I am not an intimidating person. I have a connective tissue disorder that makes me about as physically threatening as a bendy drinking straw. I am also a people pleaser. Which means, future murderer, I want you to like me.

This does not bode well for my self defense. 

One thing I excel in, however, is the ability to make almost anything awkwardly playful. At first glance that may seem trivial, but I have found people literally will do almost anything to avoid an awkward situation. 

Thus my self defense plan for warding off an approaching murderer:

I will line the floors of my house with cherry pies. 

As the murderer attempts to enter the home they will be met with the sight of countless pies lining all my floors. There is no way they have planned for this. 

Where will they step? There will inevitably be residue. And it’s cherry! The stains alone are an overwhelming prospect. Also, who lines their floors with pies? That is unsettling. What else is unsettling about the person I am trying to kill? I’d better not find out. 

Murderer leaves, and I live another day.

“But you have just put your plan on the internet! Now they will be prepared!” I, too, have thought of this. 

That is why my true plan remains a secret. But it may involve pet dander, nuts, and an inflatable clown.

Wanna play?

It’s time to unleash your inner Kevin McCallister. How would you defend your home or self with play? Because nothing intimidates most people more than the power, vastness, and freedom of play.